I've noticed since I've been online a real trend for Doms to claim they are "Old Guard." And too when I first started going online, virtually all the submissives I chat with would call me Sir. This threw me a bit at first, since no one I know in the "real-life" scene calls me that. They call me by my real name and that's fine. I don't expect anyone to fall to their knees and call me "Master" or "Sir" just because I'm a Dom! This protocol of calling a Dom "Sir" or a Domme "Ma'am" probably dates back to so-called "Old Guard" policy and seems to be something the "onliners" started doing without having a concept as to why it was done originally.
But it seems in people's haste to call themselves "Old Guard," just who are the true "Old Guard?" Are they the gay leathermen of the late 1940s and 1950s who adopted protocols they got from their military background serving in WWII? Are they the people of the 1970s like Cynthia Slater who helped found Society of Janus? Or the folk of the 1980s who helped popularize SM? Or is it people like even myself who first got involved in this scene back in the early 1990s and can now be considered an "old-timer"?
My friend Jay Wiseman (of SM101 fame) and I have spoken several times about this topic. Here's what he has to say about this "Old Guard trend."
"I do think that there is very definitely a tendency nowadays to romanticize and idealize "The Old Guard" people -- and it does seem like the less first-hand knowledge someone has about them the more pronounced this tendency often is. A large part of the problem is that entirely too few of the "Old Guard" people are still alive, and the void thus created allows people to project their fantasies, however unrealistic, with relatively little risk of credible correction."
Very well said. I've seen this kind of behavior often online and to a lesser extent in the so-called real world, and I've often wondered why.
Jay's reasoning on is that "I think that there is often a certain yearning for status, and that people can attempt to achieve this status for themselves in an often sort of ex-post-facto way by claiming to follow "the old guard teachings" -- but exacty what these teaching are, who taught them, why _that_ person is entitled to be considered an expert on "the old guard" and, most importantly, exactly how these teachings are "better" than the "newer" teachings is often very, very unclear."
And herein lies the problem. Just what REALLY is Old Guard? I've heard it said by long-time members of the San Francisco scene that anyone around today who says they are Old Guard most probably really aren't! Perhaps the people that call themselves "Old Guard" do this because the term evokes an automatic type of respect among others, especially submissives who long to hear what the "good old days of Old Guard" were like.
Truth is, there probably really wasn't ONE TRUE WAY of doing Old Guard, that several different "families" around in these so-called "olden days" probably had some main ideas and protocols they followed, but developed variations on the "Old Guard" theme, sort of like Baskin-Robbins' 31 flavors of ice cream!
Joseph Bean, of the Leather Archives and Musuem in Chicago has written an essay called "Old Guard? If You say so." He address this confusion about what is or isn't Old Guard at one point in his essay:
"It's all become so much more complicated than it used to be, and so very much more complicated than it ever needed to be ... Let me point out that there is nothing at all new about this question."
In his essay Joseph goes on to talk about the changes that went on in the gay leather "families" of the 1960s and later.
"Order and acts of respectful mutual recognition are contributions of the club-men from which we have derived what is conceived today as The Old Guard. That is, the current Old Guard was the new form of the late 1950s and early 1960s. The (now so-conceived) conflict between the values of the two groups came to a head any number of times, with the businessmen usually deciding the compromise."
As to the question of what actually IS Old Guard, here is Joseph's answer:
"The truth is that the Old Guard as is it conceived and spoken of today is mostly myth. Some of the forms are genuine and have history, but they never had the kind of universal acceptance and weight they are given in "memory." That is not a problem! If inventing a way of life that is loosely (and sometimes comically so) based on the behaviors of the "Old Guard" results in a myth that can breathe and have value in the lives of leathermen today, so be it."
There certainly is nothing wrong with the desire to learn more about Old Guard or any part of our scene history. In fact, that's one of the reasons I spent over a year working on writing the Society of Janus history. I felt it was important for everyone to know about our past. However I am uncomfortable with anyone calling themselves "Old Guard" without really knowing what the term means or knowing much about how Old Guard first started.
Last summer, I came across an excellent essay about Old Guard on a web site. I felt this was an individual that truly knew and had respect for a part of our past. Then last month I was very disappointed to find out the author of the piece was a phony, a "closet abuser" posing as a Dom and no doubt using the "Old Guard" moniker as a way to attract unsuspecting subs.
While this incident is most likely a very isolated one, I would recommend using a little caution towards anyone claiming to be "Old Guard." Ask questions of the person, asking why they consider themselves to be Old Guard, where they got their knowledge of Old Guard from, and also ask them to give you some history about it.
If they refuse to answer any of your questions for whatever reason or give you answers that sounds suspect, I would at the very least take that as a red flag and look elsewhere.
I recommend a couple books that cover a little bit about Old Guard. These books may or may not be out of print and you may have to do some searching either in used book stores or on the net to find them. One is LeatherFolk by Mark Thompson. Two others are Leathersex by Joseph W. Bean and The Leathermen's Handbook II by Larry Townsend.
I also have a page on my own web site devoted to SM history, where I have links to a handful of essays about Old Guard. The URL is http://www.tdl.com/~thawley/history.htm.
I wonder as we start this new century and millennium what will be considered "Old Guard" in 25 or even 50 years.
Until next time,
LS
In our community, there's often talk about "pushing limits." That if you're a sub and have gotten comfortable with a play partner or Dom/me, you're more willing to push your own personal limits. I never realized until recently that stretching limits could also apply to Dominants.
I have a good Domme friend who likes to bottom occasionally. We were chatting one night about the possibility of playing with each other. She told me she was a heavy player. As she told me that, my immediate thought was "This isn't going to work because I'm a sensual (ie "light") player." I have always enjoyed the sensual play much more than anything else in the nine years or so I've been a Dominant. So in effect, heavy play was a "limit" for me.
As we talked more, she assured me that my "limit" was not a problem, that she liked heavy sensation play and not just "heavy play." I still wasn't real sure but figured I'd leave it alone. A few days later she called me and invited me to have dinner with her and a couple kinky pals that weekend. So I drove to her place and from there we drove over to her friends' house. They live in a fairly new neighborhood, full of middle-class type houses. We enjoyed a meal of barbecued hamburgers and homemade corn on the cob as we talked about BDSM and other things.
My friend's couple were a Domme and her submissive husband, both very nice people. After dinner, we walked upstairs where over the next couple hours, the two women joyfully beat on him, and I occasionally helped. I had to admit how much fun it was to do that! :)) After we all played and had some 'after scene' dessert, my friend and I bid her friends goodbye and drove off into the night, back to her house.
When we got there, I figured we'd just go to bed, since it was well after midnight. As we got to talking more, it became obvious she really wanted me to Top her. She showed me how she liked to be flogged. Her technique was one I hadn't seen before that evening and I practiced on her couch for about ten minutes or so, trying to perfect it as best as I could.
Then before I knew it, we started to play. I realized I hadn't even negotiated with her, so I asked about any limits. She almost glared at me at that point, so I figured she trusted me enough to take her as far as I could. As I twisted her flogger that first time and hit her with a resounding thud, I thought "hmm ok..this ain't half bad!" I hit her several more times and began to get in some kind of rhythm.
As I began to grow more comfortable with what I was doing, I began to go more deeply into Top space. I "wrapped" a few times and that bothered me, but I went on. I felt this amazing energy build inside me, not any kind of sexual rush, but rather an emotional one. It was a rush I'd never quite experienced before. The music she had playing on her CD player helped me get into that space immensely. I began to feel like I had unleashed some great power within me and any fear I might have had about literally "wailing" on her vanished.
After an hour or so, I stopped. As I untied her from her cuffs and helped her lay in my lap, she looked at me and said, "You just dropped me into sub space! WHY did you stop?" I smiled at her and softly said "Cause I was exhausted." And I was too, not so much from the physical energy I'd expended but also the emotional energy I'd spent Topping her. I was going into previously "uncharted waters," which is always risky and potentially scary and yet I'd had what proved to be an ultimately rewarding experience. I attended a SM function the next day and I'm sure people noticed my extra enthusiasm, confidence, and energy even if I'd only gotten an hour's sleep the night before.
We talked a few times over the next week and then played again that next weekend. This time, the scene went on for two hours. Now that I was more familiar with her and the way she liked to be flogged, I knew where I could go with her. She brought along some CD's she liked to play to which made me feel much more comfortable. I again found that magical place I'd been to with her the week before, and a couple times I would step back and feel the emotional rush hit me again! I would close my eyes, shake my head a little and just kind of "groove" on the feeling and then go back to "wailing" on her. And her occasional remarks of "Bring it on!" or a 'thumbs-up' when I hit the right spot on her back made me feel like a "true Master!" *eg* And afterwards, she told me I had probably flogged her harder than most she played with, including a couple rather heavy local Tops! Having her tell me I had just "tore her up" more than a heavy player was quite the compliment!
I also spent about half an hour caning her breasts, and left some really gorgeous marks on them. Even now, I marvel at the "work" I created. Those marks were so beautiful to look at. After we finished playing and just lay there cuddling, the magnitude of what I had done hit me. I had just played at a level light years beyond what I had ever done before! I thought of many "heavy" players I had watched and realized that I had just been at their level and could very easily go back there again! The thought of this left me in tears as I realized I had discovered a truly amazing part of myself. Not only could I go to this "heavy place," I was damn good at it! I had never in my dreams thought I could approach that kind of play, although in the back of my mind I had always wondered what it would be like to play with someone who would "allow" me to go to that heavy place. I got my chance and it allowed me to see an entirely new and different part of me! Over the past several years, I've had the pleasure of Topping several different women, most of whom told me what a wonderful Dom I was. I was afraid to totally believe them. Now I know in my heart, they were right.
And isn't that what stretching limits is all about? To go to some new place and discover something new about yourself? For me it was discovering that an area I was hesitant to go to provided me with what at times was an exhilarating experience. My friend has told me since our first scene that she knew from the first time we talked about playing that I had it in me to play at a heavy level. I may not have known it at the time, but she did. I will always be grateful to her for allowing me to get in touch with my "Inner Sadist."
Until next time,
LS
Recently in the national news has been the story of John Robinson. This man who lives in Kansas is awaiting trial on murder charges. It is alleged that he murdered several women that he met over the Internet. Supposedly he met these women by hanging out in online BDSM chat rooms by claiming to be a Dominant looking for submissive women to play with. This has had numerous folk claiming the "Net is full of psychos and predators," and so forth. There are others online once again stressing the need to always be safe online.
I recently spoke with my friend Jay Wiseman about this case and how one can protect themselves online. He mentioned having had one person tell him recently that "132 women have now been murdered by "online Doms," a figure which he immediately disputed, especially when the person giving him that figure was unable to provide any evidence of the statement having any truth to it.
Jay says that when it comes to people online, he uses a "ninety, nine, and one" theory, which says that 90 percent of the people online are basically fine, another nine percent are borderline emotionally unstable but not outright dangerous, and the other one percent who really are outright dangerous (the predatory and abusive types)."
He goes on to say that again 99 percent of the people aren't what he calls "outright malicious, but that for that other one percent, it's really a case of 'whether or not they think they can get away with doing something bad." Most realize they can't and consequently won't try anything. However, obviously there are those few who think they can.
Jay also points out that, as far as in known so far, the women that were killed were not members of our community at large. If they had been, generally they might have been warned in advance of this man. Apparently Jay himself spoke several months ago with a woman who had been chatting online with Mr. Robinson, and Robinson claimed to be part of a group called "International Council of Masters." Jay had never heard of such a group, and told the woman this. As it turns out, Jay's warning may indeed have saved this woman from harm, as she asked this man about it. Apparently he responded in a rather negative way, and she realized he was someone to stay away from.
Another point Jay makes is that Mr. Robinson apparently sought out women who were emotionally vulnerable, making them easy prey for a predator. I too have on occasion spoken with women like this online and it can be frustrating to try and convince them that just because they are submissive does not mean they have to be "doormats" for any so-called Dom that comes along.
So even if the women that become murder victims may have been "fringe members" or not even part of our community at large, what can people who are part of our scene do to insure their safety online? Obviously, as Jay says most people online and in the so-called real life world are basically OK. He points out lots of people that aren't part of an organized scene have met others and have done scenes that were generally safe.
He points out that as lots of others have said, a "silent alarm" (or safe call as it's also known) is the way to go. And of course meeting in a public place for the first (or even second) time is also a good idea. He told me that subs on AOL have even taken it a step further, to the point where if a sub is meeting a Dom somewhere she brings along a friend. Now personally I think that's taking things a bit too far. I would find it a bit uncomfortable to be chatting with a potential play partner and have her friend sitting there, "eavesdropping" on your conversation.
Generally of course, if a Dom you meet has an issue with you using a safe call, that's a good indication of a red flag. Most Doms will respect your wish to use one (after all, they don't know much about you either!). Furthermore, many Doms use them as well when meeting a new subs. Some novice Doms may not understand why one is needed, but if you politely explain your reasons, usually they will understand.
Jay points out another thing to watch out for are Doms that claim to be members of some elite organization (like the so-called "International Council of Masters"). If they claim this, obviously you should ask any trusted friends if they have heard of this so-called group. You can also ask the Dom if he has given presentations at any SM group or groups. Just an as example, if I needed to, I could tell a prospective partner that I was a long-time member of Society of Janus and that I'd written a history of the group if they had any concerns about me. If the Dom with a supposedly elite reputation refuses to answer the question or gets evasive about the "secret" ganization he supposedly belongs to, you can generally take that as a 'red flag.'
Generally, if the person is a "predator," they tend to get scared off fairly quickly, especially if you start asking questions about his "SM background."
Of course if the Dom isn't well-known, you can always ask trusted friends about them. Or you can ask him for references (Jay prefers the latter approach). However, not all Doms will have them and this is not necessarily a sign the Dom is a bad person. Not being well known does not necessarily equal being dangerous.
And finally, trust your intuition. This is especially hard online because you can't rely on visual cues as you can in a face to face meeting, but yet there have been times I've chatted with someone online and gotten a sense of "something just doesn't seem right about this person." Usually my intuition has paid off.
Again, most online people as Jay puts it are "not bad people." The predators and abusers are in the minority, but they are out there. As with anything else on the 'Net, you have to safeguard yourself as best as possible.
Until next time,
LS
Over the past few months, I've had the opportunity to read and review a number of SM 'educational books,' partly thanks to knowing the folk at Greenery Press and by borrowing copies of a few other SM books. I think by having read all of these books (and there are a LOT of excellent books available), it's given me some idea of what books others might find useful.
I've always felt that anyone into BDSM should never stop learning more about our craft. It seems now as if there's been an "explosion" of instructional SM books in the last few years. Even ten years ago, there were few if any such books around. Now I think obviously it's a good idea they are available now, if for no other reason than just having people playing much more safely and not having to result to "trial and error" like the folk had to do in the 'dark old days' when SM was very closeted.
With this in mind, let's take a look at some titles I feel should be in everyone's library. Again, your personal opinions may vary. In fact, I would be shocked if everyone reading this agreed wholeheartedly with all my opinions!
SM 101 by Jay Wiseman: Yes I admit I'm biased. Jay is as I've mentioned in previous columns, a friend of mine and I will tell everyone that SM101 is an excellent, well-written introduction to BDSM. In fact, virtually everything I've read from Greenery Press I've thought was excellent, informative, and well-written. Books like The Topping Book, the Bottoming Book, the Compleat Spanker, and KinkyCrafts among others all cover specialized areas and are well worth the money if you can afford them. But if you can just afford one of their books and you don't already have it, get SM101. Greenery Press also recently re-released the John Warren book, The Loving Dominant and it too is also quite good.
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon: Another classic and well-worth buying if you don't already have it. The deeper I got into this book, the more often I found myself saying "YES!" in agreement with Philip and Molly's philosophies about SM. The book covers virtually every facet of play from descriptions of what each "type" of SM players are, looking out for the "wannabes," negotiation before playing, bondage techniques, flogging and spanking and even humiliation.
Consensual Sadomasochism: How to Talk About It and How to Do It Safely, by Bill Henkin & Sybil Holliday:
This book is written by two experienced SM practitioners, one who is a psychotherapist, and the other a sexologist. I've always considered them my "heroes" for their "SM-positive" stance. This book not only covers common SM topics, such as discussing "who you should or shouldn't play with," but also has a chapter called "Defining and Demystifying the Language." I also liked their section called "On Doing Psychotherapy in the Dungeon." They point out SM can be therapeutic, but not to do actual "therapy" in play. Good point!
Sex Tips From A Dominatrix by Patricia Payne: Ms Payne takes a light-hearted and "campy" approach to introducing SM to your partner. Written primarily from a Fem Domme point of view (and seemingly for an upscale audience), the book has some interesting information. There is good information on shaving, how to clean your leather clothes, a great list of movies with "SM-type scenes" in them, and chapters on knot-tying and "SM yoga" type exercises. There's also good advice for getting "toys" past airport security. However, I did take exception to her advice about cleaning toys using vodka! Not that I'm a drinker, but seems to me that's a waste of perfectly good vodka! Ah well.
Come Hither by Gloria G. Brame: The Different Loving author's most recent book. While there were several sections of the book that were quite good (such as Transgenderism, descriptions of Dominants/submissives, Bondage, and a good resources section), there were several chapters that seemed to cover the same topics that other books for SM novices have already covered. While these are important topics to cover, I felt she made these topics a bit too simplistic.
Another book to try and find if you play with women is the "Lesbian SM Safety Manual," edited by Pat Califia. Regrettably, this book is out of print now. It covers basic safety information, what areas of the body you can or cannot whip, and contains a few entertaining short stories. Look in used book stores or do a web search to find it.
If you're interested in "SM history," there are several books that have been written, although some may also now be out of print. Among my favorites are LeatherFolk (primarily gay male SM, but some essays on the history of SM), Coming to Power (about women's SM) and its sequel, The Second Coming.
There are obviously many other books, but space constraints prevent me from
talking about them. There's a web site full of reviews of SM erotica and some
nonfiction you can also check out at http://www.lochai.com/forbidden_library/index.html.
Until next time,
LS