So you're a novice submissive female? Wonderful..and congratulations! It can be exhilarating and frightening at the same time to discover this about yourself. Being as I am a 'veteran' male Dominant, I guess my first reaction to finding a novice sub female would be "Oh Boy!" hehe. But I make that remark to bring up a point I'll get to a little later in this essay.
My first response to any novice submissive female would be to tell you to LEARN all you can about BDSM. It's always been my philosophy you never stop learning. I've been a Male Dominant in the San Francisco scene for over a decade. I'm always learning new things. I consider myself to be a darn good Top, but yet I always try to learn new tricks and ideas. I wish I could learn better rope bondage, for example. :))
When I say LEARN all you can, it means buying books about SM and reading them. Books like Jay Wiseman's SM101: A Realistic Introduction or Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller & Molly Devon (both available online at sites like Amazon.com). The first SM book I ever bought was the (sadly, now out of print) Lesbian SM Safety Manual, because it contained good safety information about playing with women. Do web searches and find pages that have good information about BDSM.
If you live in a major city with an SM group, join it..go to the programs. If you don't know if your city has a group, go to any "alternative stores" and see if they know of one. Most SM groups now have web sites. There's also the previously mentioned FetLife. You can do a web search and find most that way. If you're uncomfortable about going to an SM group meeting by yourself, try and find a local kinky-minded friend to go with you. A few groups have a "buddy system" in place.. that is, they have women who will accompany you to the program. See if your city has any "alternative bookstores" that offer SM classes. Here in San Francisco, we're fortunate to have several good educational sources.
If you live in a rural area, find out if they have a local 'munch' or not. Munches started here in the Bay Area and are a good way of meeting like-minded people in a relaxed setting. If there isn't one in your area, think about starting one.
I mentioned the "Oh Boy!" syndrome at the beginning of my essay. Though not all, or even most Dom/mes are like this, I've seen too many male Doms at SM events that seem to "salivate" at the thought of a new female sub to play with. They will walk up to them, talk with them, possibly even pressure them for a phone number or a time when they can get together to play. And yes, I've probably done this myself a couple times..so I'm human..sue me! :)) If you encounter one of these denizens, it's perfectly ok to politely say no if you're not interested. Most Dom/mes will take the hint and leave you alone.
OK..let's say that you've spent time reading and going to programs, and now you've met some really hot-looking Dom/me and decided you're interested in playing with that person. So now what?
Well..first off you of course need to arrange to meet at some neutral location to talk further. Depending on where you meet, it's also considered a good idea to let a friend know you're meeting somebody and set up what's known as a "safe call." A "safe call" is where you arrange to call a friend and let them know you're ok. If your friend doesn't hear back from you within a pre-arranged time (say within two hours of your meeting), they know to call the police. This seems to happen more often with people meeting on online chat channels and then arranging a meeting in real-life than it does with people that meet at SM groups or munches.
OK..during that initial meeting you should find out what they like and what you like and see if you can find SM-related activities you both enjoy. This of course is what's known as negotiation and countless other folk have touched upon this much better than I ever could, so I will leave that part up to them. *g*
What I'd prefer to discuss however is what happens afterwards. Sometimes in the heat of the moment, or because a new sub is afraid to say no for fear, hard limits will be broken. Either the Dom/me is new themselves and not experienced, or doesn't care about the sub's well-being and is more interested in getting off than anything else. Remember again, if you have hard limits set, STICK TO THEM! Don't allow some Dom/me to intimidate you into doing something you don't enjoy. I've heard of a few cases where a sub played with a Dom/me and went much further than she was really comfortable with just because she was afraid to tell the Dom/me No. Or she was afraid the Dom/me wouldn't play with her again if she called a safeword too soon.
I remember a party I went to when I was new to the community. I saw a scene going on where a sub was getting whipped heavily over and over with no letup. Her body was covered in welts. I remember thinking that I hoped she really enjoyed playing at that level, and that she KNEW she had a choice about whether she played that heavy or not!
A real Dom/me will respect limits and will respect safe words. I've played with a couple subs where it was their first scene. They both told me afterwards they felt badly because they couldn't handle very much. I assured them they did quite well and they had! It takes courage to admit you like to submit sexually.
A real Dom/me also practices safe sex with new partners. One pet peeve I have are male Doms that refuse to practice safe sex. Ummm NOO! I don't like condoms too much, but I don't want to wind up with a life-threatening STD either. If you meet a Dom that tries to get out of using a condom in a scene, LEAVE. Or tell him you will not play with him unless they use barrier protection. Chances are the Dom has played with numerous other women and done the same thing with them.
Another thing I'd like to see more of are support groups for submissive women. It's always good to be around like-minded people so you can share experiences, information and just give each other hugs when life crises occur.
And also too remember it's ok to be nervous, a little scared when you first get into BDSM. I certainly was when I first started. I remember going to my first SM event many years ago. I knew that everyone would be dressed in latex or rubber and was amazed to discover most folk there dressed just like everybody else!
I certainly wish anyone reading this all the best. It can be scary at first to discover this facet of your sexuality. Just go at the pace at which you're comfortable.
Regards,
LS